Bryan, what the hell?
by Nirianne
Summary: Seeking refuge in women's clothing section in the mall, Bryan was forced to take drastic measures hiding from his fan club. Does Bryan find a solution or will he go home only in his boxers? One-shot. R&R!


**A/N: **This is a random story that popped into my head about Bryan's survival against female fans. Drastic times call for drastic measures! Oh as a side note, most of the dialogue here is spoken in Russian unless I specify it's in English!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything.

* * *

**Bryan, What the hell?**

Bryan Kuznetsov used to be one of the Russia's most feared bladers, which was old news imprinted in tabloids. But since the fall of Balkov Abbey and its evil masterminds behind it, Bryan was a different person with a different personality all together. Long story short: he turned good. The young Russian teen now lived in Moscow with his teammates: Tala, Spencer and Ian. Another long story short: he was still very much famous.

Bryan sighed in defeat walking through the mall with five bags of necessities; it was his turn for grocery shopping, fun. Well, he didn't mind; getting out of the house once in awhile was a good thing. Inside their home (or if you can consider it a home and not a warzone), the other three waged war on each other. Reason: they were bored with nothing better to do. Reruns caused all of them to go insane… Since the fall of BEGA, there haven't been any new international tournaments. The BBA was still under construction. Glancing at the grocery list, he was about to make a turn until…

"**IS THAT BRYAN OF THE BLITZKRIEG BOYS?**"

He flinched. Looking up, there were a group of girls screaming his name. Uh… oh. Turning the other way, he _commanded_ his legs to take him as far, _far away_ as possible! Why? **FANCLUBS!** He loved the fact he was famous and all but to be _chased_ every time he was spotted was plain ridiculous! Turning a corner, he inhaled precious air. Sweet, sweet air! Ugh, it was probably like this every time he was caught in public. One day unfortunately, he returned home in a new pair of boxers… He mumbled in English to his buddies:

"Females are crazy bitches…"

It made him wonder; his precious boxers were either on eBay or somewhere in some fan's closet… Okay, shaking himself out of his daze, how was he going to escape his fan club in one piece? He'd like to go home with _all_ his clothes intact this time. A sudden memory rushed through his mind: there was a time he was caught and the fans went _nuts!_ He almost lost his boxers that day… dear lord.

Bryan was suddenly answered by a ray of light. Looking up, a large neon sign glowed in front of him: Women's clothing.

"Oh hell no!" he cursed in his native tongue. "Are you serious?"

"I think he went this way!"

"Shit!"

Grabbing his belongings, he entered the portal—erm, the door to women's clothing. Soooo, what was he supposed to do now? He stood out like a sore thumb! Bryan tiptoed through the aisle of women's clothing questioning most if not _all_ the items. He started off by staring at this lacy-like thingy with holes.

_Women wear that?_ He rubbed his chin. _Isn't it a bit too revealing to be wearing this in the middle of winter? Weird._

Staring into it a sign on top printed: Women's Lingerie.

"What is: LIN-GRR-EE?" quite perplexed, he squinted and fingered the lose garment raising an eyebrow. What was this thing for? Do you like, wear it inside or out? Hmmm. Racking his brain for possible answers, he tried remembering his ex telling him something vaguely about it. He remembered asking her to wear it. In return, he got slapped and got dumped the next day. Why?

Forgetting that he was being stalked by his fan club, he picked up the garment and walked up to the sales clerk.

"Excuse me but what exactly is this?"

How naïve. The elderly woman glanced up at him, adjusting her thick glasses.

She responded, "Lingerie."

Okay, he understood the name but he wanted to understand its functions (if it had any).

"Women wear this?"

Not getting through to Bryan, the woman reached under the counter grabbing the lingerie catalogue. She flipped through some pages. Landing on a page, she slammed it on the counter and pointed to the half naked woman posing seductively by the fireplace wearing the exact same lingerie the one Bryan held. He absorbed the image for a second scanning her curvaceous body. The teen _completely_ missed the point.

_Damn, she's hot._

"Son, if you got your answer, are you going to buy that or what?" Bryan snapped out of his gaze and paid attention to the model's clothing (or lack thereof). And then, a beam of light broke through his mind. He _finally_ realized women wore this for special occasions: seduction. "N-No!" he stuttered placing the garment down, storming back to the grocery bags.

Well, that was humiliating. Something that obvious, why didn't he get it? Well, whenever he got his sticky claws on hardcore magazines, he really (or never) paid attention to the clothing. It was the figures on the pages that caught his attention… after all, Bryan was a curious teenager. Making his way through the aisles, he looked left and right for the exit. It seemed like a labyrinth in women's clothing; there were aisle, after aisle of different clothing's ranging from western fashions to latest Russian fashions. Walking, an idea suddenly slammed onto him; what if, let's say he disguised as a woman and use it as his escape? He was glad he didn't appear too macho or anything, just normal. 'Normal' in the sense of being this tall, lanky-looking guy who could pull off as a girl _if_ he wanted to. Okay, it wasn't a bad idea after all. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Scanning the area, he came across the wigs section. Tiptoeing to it, he found a nice long, shiny mauve wig.

_Oooh, let's try this on!_

Placing it on his head and looking in the mirror, he chuckled. He didn't know he could look _this_ good in a woman's wig! Looking around, nobody eyed him. Good. He spun around. _Oh, so this is how girls feel when they spin around and let their hair flow like this…_ He reached out to other items: a silver tiara, clips and a headband. Trying each one on, he laughed admiring himself. He could _so_ pull this off! He personally preferred the headband. Taking the black one, he moved on to the next aisle. Long sleeves and vests were his next targets. Scanning the racks for something nice, he picked out several long sleeves and vests. Approaching the mirror, he glanced over his shoulder pressing the garment against his body quickly analyzing how he looked with each color. He narrowed it down to: a stripped purple long sleeve shirt and grey vest with fur.

_Hey, this trying on clothes thing is actually fun!_

Moving on, Bryan completely ignored the pants section; he approached the long skirts section figuring out which one to wear. Suddenly, something caught his eye; a long black frilly skirt. Oh, just look at the white frills! Oh god, it even had ribbons on it! _Must… get it!_ Snatching it off the rack, he removed his wig for a moment heading to the counter.

"Is this for your girlfriend?" the sales clerk asked.

"Yeah! She's one _hot _chick!" Complete self flattery, isn't it?

She giggled. Paying for the items, Bryan snatched all his belongings and headed to the men's washroom. Running into a stall, he changed. It was good timing when he exited since a bunch of rough looking men stormed the washroom, slamming their fists into each stall. _Okay, I look normal now. _Walking through the mall once more it felt as if he missed something. Approaching a mirror, it dawned on him: women loved make up, don't they?

He sat there happily in the makeup chair allowing women to apply all sorts of things on his face. Thanking them, Bryan walked out with purple eye shadow, pink blush on his cheeks and cherry lip gloss. Being a girl for a day wasn't so bad, he thought walking through the mall. In the far distance he caught glimpses of his fan club running around corners, up the escalator and out of sight. Exiting the mall, he walked home whistling. Arriving at the door, he pulled out his keys unlocking the door, entering his humble abode.

"Oh good Bryan you're…" Spencer greeted and stopped dead in his tracks. "Who… are you?"

Bryan glanced at Spencer funny and masked his voice, "I'm Betty!"

Maybe this was the worse Halloween joke of all; Spencer's face turned white. "…Bryan… is that you?"

Bryan laughed, "Ya!"

"Hey Spencer who are you talking…" Ian entered. "To…" Maybe this was a good time to close his eyes, turn around and pretended he didn't see anything.

Bryan dropped the bags and twirled happily. Both boys stared at Bryan feeling their eyes violated. Even soap couldn't save them. What was spooky was Bryan _actually_ pulled it off. Wow, um, speechless… When Bryan calmed down, he explained to the boys he was stalked by his fan club. The boys only absorbed so much. The long skirt Bryan bought distracted them to the point every word bounced off their skulls.

"Oh, oh! I got to show you this!"

Lifting up the long skirt, he showed them fishnet stockings. Ian had enough! The poor boy was mortified! He took the easy way out: he fainted. Spencer rubbed his face nervously and thought: _If this leaked to the press… nobody would take us seriously ever again. _If this wasn't bad enough, footsteps echoed around the house. Their fearless leader appeared from around the corner, walking down the stairs. Tala saw Ian's body half dead on the floor and his eyes moved to Spencer who looked away in shame. His eyes fell on the last figure who flashed fishnet stockings to him. Reaching the base of the stairs, the only thing that came out his mouth was: Bryan, what the hell?


End file.
